I am so tired. Actually, to say I am tired is one of the biggest understatements I have ever made. Total, absolute exhaustion comes closer but still miles off. Its a tiredness that you can really only feel if you are unwell. I dont mean this to sound patronising but, unless youve had a chronic illness, you REALLY cant understand what this feels like. I literally hurt with tiredness; everything aches, muscles that I didnt even know I had are screaming at me to go to bed, my eyes are agony and my head feels as if its about to explode. I feel sick, my stomach is cramping and I am being stabbed through the eyes by my sinuses. I feel dragged down into the floor with exhaustion, my brain is moving at a sluggish rate and its just taken me an hour to have a bath because my thought patterns and coordination just do not work properly. I feel almost like Im drunk- everything is swimming in front of me and its like Im having hallucinations. I should probably stop typing this because Im making lots of mistakes which, in my tired, pedantic mind, I HAVE to at least TRY and correct. I know that when I do climb into bed, I will not be able to sleep, I will toss and turn; my body will be exhausted but my brain will not let me switch off. My legs with start to twitch and cramp which will mean that I will be awake into the early hours of the morning.
Of course, the sad thing is, that I have done very little today. I went to the shops to get some food, and then read for a bit, wandered in the garden and played with my cat. Thats IT. Its not like I have been working all day or mountain climbing in the Andes or rescuing someone from a lake or anything at all strenuous. I cannot even remember what it feels like to NOT feel like this. I experience this every single minute of every single day and have done for the last 6 years. This is what having M.E. feels like. This is what I go through every day and, today, somebody said to me "ooh, yes, I know all about M.E., thats where you feel tired isnt it? Yes, I know what that feels like; Im tired all the time too." And I have to smile sweetly and resist the urge to pummel them to the ground with my bare fists. After all, that would take a lot of energy that I dont actually have to waste! And then I will wake up tomorrow and it will all start all over again.
Edit: i've realised that this sounds like a self-indulgent, sympathy-seeking post and it's REALLY not meant to be! I just decided to write a cold, analytical blog about how i physically feel so that people might be able to have some sort of understanding of M.E..... I'm actually feeling emotionally quite upbeat! So, yeah, not looking for sympathy, just for people to have a read and comment if they want!!